I Need Help

Okay my people, I need some help.

Please understand, those words do not come easily from my mouth. I’m used to being the helper, not the helpee.  But, I have been wrestling with this problem for a long while now and something, or someone‘s gotta give.

And I think it ought to be you!  Because, clearly, I cannot do this alone.

Let me back up a little.

As you may know by now, I am a wifemotherlawyerwriterdog-walker, among other things.  One of those other things has two words, but I don’t like the name of it so I never say it. It’s cheesy and corny and lacks semantic clout.  At the same time, it’s my highest calling, my most favorite thing in the world to ‘be’.  I just need to come up with another name for it, and so far, I got nothin’. Zip. Nada. Niente.

This is where you come in.

I need you to tell me what else I might call it.

Please do not make me beg.  But if I have to, I will.

Since I can’t say ‘it’, I’ll tell you this much: it rhymes with Kife Loach.

(Hint: if you switch some of the letters around, then change the k to a c, do the hoki poki and turn yourself around, you’ll get it).

Take your time.

Waiting…

Waiting…

Time’s up.

I’ll say it.

But I’m not gonna like it.

-

See what I mean? Did you not just squirm a little? Even a teeny tiny bit?

Don’t worry. You’re not the only one.  Even Dr. Martha Beck, my mentor and teacher, and the world’s premier Kife Loach (she won’t mind if we call her that), thinks it sounds cheesy.  And she is the best on the planet! Martha will also be the first to tell you (me) it’s not what you call it, it’s what you do with it.  While I’ve figured out the latter, it’s the former I’m still working on.

Which is why I have come to you.

On my knees.

Here are some of the things that have actually made their way into the neural pathways of my brain, disguised as brilliant ideas–tell me what you think.

a)  Life Management Consultant (yikes!)

b)  Life Cheerleader  (ugh)

c)  Life Superintendent (hahahahahahahahahahahaha to infinity)

d)  Zife Poach (hmmm…)

DISCLAIMER

• the author of this post does not intend, in any way, to hurt the feelings or otherwise make other Kife Loaches feel disparaged or put down in this process. After all, she herself is a Kife Loach and she never says hurtful things to her own self. Usually. Mostly. Ever.
• the author of this post acknowledges that even though the name Kife Loach, or more specifically, that which rhymes with it,  sounds cheesy, the actual practise is life altering, mind freeing and actually kinda sexy.
• to the best of the author’s knowledge, at no time have any Kife Loaches been physically harmed or mentally tortured in the course of researching and writing this post.
• the author shall not be held responsible for the things she says and does in her sleep.

Go to Part Two here