Why I Decided Not To Kill Laverne, Again!

Things have been pretty quiet around here lately. Shirley‘s been away on vacay somewhere.  And Laverne? Well, I thought Laverne was gone for good.

Big mistake.

Laverne, my inner dictator, always tries to be the boss of me, bless her twisted little heart. Unlike Shirley, she rules with an iron fist.  She uses words like “should” and “have to” and “supposed to.“

She’s a virtual lunatic. And she’s green.

Ugh!

What’s crazy is that I don’t even know Laverne’s there until it becomes painfully obvious.

To everyone.

But me.

I have actually tried to kill Laverne on many occasions.  And just when I think she’s gone for good…

… she keeps coming back.

Like zits on a teenager’s face.

The thing about Laverne is, she really and truly believes she’s helping me. She refuses to die, not because she likes to torment me, but because she’s afraid for me.  She believes my survival depends on her.

In a warped, mangled, creepy, green alien sort of way.

Well, that sh!t’s got to stop.

Here’s how.

First of all, I’m going to give up my murderous tactics. Hell, the girl just won’t die so I might as well throw that towel in and save myself some  brain cells.

Next – and this is going to freak her out — I’m going to invite her to come back whenever she feels like dropping by to check up on me.

Yes, Laverne, drop by and stay awhile.

In fact, I insist.

Because I understand that you’re just trying to look out for me.  That you’re doing the best you can with what you know and that some day, when you know better, you’ll do better. You’ll relax.  But guess what? I know better, and I want to prove to you that I can manage without your scare tactics and threats and limes and coconuts.

When you start with the should’s and have to’s and supposed to’s I’m not going to listen.  I’ll hear you but I won’t be listening.  There’s a big difference.

Because I want to look after me… and you.  It must be hard work worrying about me all the time, trying to get me to do the stuff you think I should do.  Even though we’re one and the same, we’re really not.

I’ve been watching you and you really do not bring out the best in me.  I know you mean well, but… um… you suck at being me!

So, I’m ready to go it alone, and I invite you to stick around and watch me. You may want to interject from time to time but I’m just going to have to shush you whenever you start acting up. But it will be a loving shush. I promise I won’t try to kill you anymore.

A simple thank you would’ve been nice.

Now, go sit in the corner, put your feet up, and stay awhile.

And shush!

I got your back.

Laverne?

Laverne!

LAVERNE!!!!!

This post was brought to you by the Save Laverne Society.

Total membership: 1

And dwindling fast.

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