‘Anger Hell’ Really Pisses Me Off!!!

Anger is overrated.

Anger is what we do when we’re lazy about our feelings.  When we can’t be bothered to go deeper to figure out what’s really going on inside our heads.

And it’s often not at all about what it seems to be on the surface.

But…

If….

(and it’s a really big if)

…we can catch ourselves before the ‘ROARRRRR’….

And just get curious about what’s really going on… about what’s REALLY buggin’ you…

No. No. No. Don’t fall for that. That’s just a trick your mind is playing on you to save you the effort of digging deeper. Your mind wants to stay angry, because it can’t be bothered to do the heavy lifting required to figure this out.

But if you could just ask….

“What’s going on inside my head?” 

You might just find out something your mind has been working very hard to get you to ignore.  It wants you to look on the outside, to blame someone else, something else.

I know, I know, it’s so much easier to be mad at other people, even if you don’t even remember why you’re mad.  

But if you let it, your mind will keep you in Anger Hell.  Forever. 

And that just blows.

You know, the WORST Mother can get very lazy about what’s going on inside her head.

Because, sometimes, it can look like this…

“What’s all that SH!T doing inside my head??????????????????”… the WORST mother asks, trying really hard to get curious.

“WAIT!”… she says, suddenly full of curiosity. (She’s so good at becoming curious!)

“That looks like the inside of my closet” …she will often say, completely and utterly perplexed.

“And my car”… she adds, scratching her head.

“And my make-up drawer“… she moans, curiosity giving way to frustration.

“And my frig”… she says, raising her voice, as she teeters into a pissed off state.

“And my pantry”…she exclaims with vehemence and exasperation and a whole bunch of other emotions that rhyme with discombobulation.

Ruh. Roh.  

“And my life!!!” 

“$%#@”… she explodes. So much for curiosity. (I said she was good at getting curious… staying there is another matter.)

Bless her heart. She tries. 

But then….. eventually…

Ah-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Some relief.  A letting go.

Surrender.

And suddenly, a voice inside her head breaks through all the clutter and says…

Seize the AFGO… a.k.a. 

Another. Freakin’. Growth. Opportunity.

An opportunity to shift.

To get back to curious.

To get to know yourself.

To grow up.

Seize it, dammit.

Because anger is not a very sophisticated emotion. Especially when it’s used defensively.

And it’s often just a cover up.  A catch-all emotion.  For when you can’t be bothered to get to know yourself.

Or to find out what’s really buggin’ you.

Take the time to FEEL what’s behind the anger.

Because it’s not about the dog.

Or the kids.

Or the husband.

It’s about the sh!t you say to yourself that is not very nice.  

It’s always about you.  It’s about how you hurt you.

Isn’t that perfect? 

Isn’t that such a relief?

Lose the anger.

Make friends with yourself.

Seize the AFGO.

And never settle for anger again.

——

*Today’s post was brought to you by the emotions anger, frustration and all the ones that rhyme with discombobulation. 

 

Motherhood Sucks. And then you DON’T die.

Yeah, you heard me.

MOTHERHOOD SUCKS!

With a capital M-O-T-H-E-R-H-O-O-D-S-U-C-K-S

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why are moms so afraid to admit this?  Oh, that’s right, I know….

BECAUSE REAL MOMS LOVE EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF BEING A MOTHER.

EVERY.

SINGLE.

WAKING.

MOMENT.

So, does that mean there is something wrong with ME?

I am mother. Hear me grrrrr.

And whine.

And complain.

And admit that sometimes I SUCK! at being a mother.

Because motherhood does suck.

It brings out the worst in me.

I feel resentful.

I cry.  I kick.  I  scream.

And then…

I feel bad. I feel guilty. I feel like I broke The Cardinal Rules.

Some would say it’s because our identities are so tied to motherhood that if we break the rules, even for a moment, we will have failed.  Our children. Our selves. The entire Milky Way galaxy.

But that’s just not true.  In fact, not only is it not true, it’s a big fat lie.

Let me say that again.

It’s a big fat lie.

Very big.  And very very fat.

Why?  Because motherhood can suck AND we can love it just as much.

Maybe even more.

Because with acceptance comes…

Peace. Comfort. Joy

“Motherhood sucks,” said with resentment, anger, and disappointment, only leads to more resentment, anger, and disappointment.

“Motherhood sucks,” said with compassion and acceptance, feels so much better.

When we can truly accept that, at times, motherhood really does suck, and that’s okay, then we are likely to take action that exudes love, kindness and compassion.

And once we embrace the thought that motherhood sucks, it really sucks, we can then accept that sometimes, we just plain suck at being a mom.

Oh well.

No biggie.

And that is why I took it upon myself to re-write the unwritten Cardinal Rules of motherhood.

Motherhood does suck. Go on, admit it. Tell your friends. Tell your fellow moms. Especially tell your fellow moms.

Say it, dammit.  Say it out loud. Don’t be afraid. Your fear is keeping you from having more of when it doesn’t suck.

Oh, did I not mention that motherhood doesn’t suck?

Except when it does.

Fine Print:

This AFGO* moment was brought to you by the words suck, Suck, and SUCK.

*AFGO = Another F***ing Growth Opportunity.  Have you had one lately?

Today’s class is about sh!t. Sorry.

Have you ever tried to help someone who didn’t want your help?

I mean, they make it seem like they want your help, but they really don’t.

They want your ears. 

I have made this mistake over and over and over and ov…… 

Why? 

Because I think I’m being asked for advice. 

And I give it with reckless abandon. 

The thing about advice is, we tell ourselves we’re giving it because we want to help the other person, but that’s just one big fatass lie.  We are serving ourselves when we give someone else advice. We want to make things better for them so that we don’t have to feel their pain.  Our pain. Any pain. We want everything and everybody to be fine. Fine. FINE!

Why? 

WHY?

WHY?

Because we have a hard time compartmentalizing shit. 

There’s your shit.

There’s what you think about your shit.

There’s other people’s shit. 

Then there are all the thoughts you have about other people’s shit.

Oh, and don’t forget, there’s God’s shit.  He has a right to his own shit, too.  Stop messin’ with God’s shit.  He’s pretty much got his together. 

Sorry my peeps, but it had to be done. 

I gotsta make my point!

How am I doin’?

If you’re still with me, yayyyy!  

For that I am now going to give you some candy advice… (I’ve already given you tons of candy!)

Leave now if you don’t want my advice, otherwise, here goes…

Whenever someone comes to you with their “problems,” try to resist the urge to jump in with your advice on how to solve everything for them.  Instead, notice what happens to you when you start to listen. 

Do you get all wiggly and swirly inside?

AHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See what I mean? 

That wiggly swirly stuff is all about YOU, my friend! It’s all about how you are thinking about what the other person is telling you.  Are you judging? Are you fearful? Do you think they’re crazy?  Do you feel like poking their eyes out?

And what kind of advice are you going to give them when you’re being judgmental, or fearful, or both? 

I’m guessing it’s going to be pretty shitty advice.

Let’s just keep layin’ that shit on. 

On the other hand, if you can listen with an open mind and heart, without judgment, without fear, you might actually be able to help them, just by listening. That’s it.  That’s all.

Why?

Because some people just want you to lend them an ear so they can talk about their shit. The end.  And you have the option of listening, or not.  If you’re going to listen, then clean up your own thinking first.  Go to that place in your head where birds sing and there’s candy everywhere! 

If you can’t do that, then, for your own sake, you need to walk away and repeat the phrase:

“It’s not my shit.”

“It’s not my shit.”

“It’s not my shit.”

Now, take my advice, dammit!

How to REALLY Win an Argument. Without Bloodshed!

So.

The other day….

I had a fight, argument, tiff, altercation, disagreement, point of contention with another kife loach.  It went something like this…

Anonymous Kife Loach:  Oops.  Was it something I said?

Me:     Well, now that you mention it…

AKL:     Can I tell you where I’m coming from?

Me:      Arent’ all men from Mars? Sorry. That was rude. Um, sure, go ahead.

AKL:     Well, my intention was blah blah blah

Me:      Yeah, but, I was thinking blah blah blah

AKL:      Well, not necessarily, because what I meant was blah blah blah

Me:      Oh. Okay.  Well, just so you know, I don’t need to be right here…

AKL:      No, I don’t need to be right…

Me:      I said it first…

AKL:      Fine.

Me:       Double fine.

AKL:       Friends?

Me:        Will you be my newest BFF?  I’ve started a collection.

Honestly, it kinda went like that.  In five minutes we fixed it.  Why?  Because our agenda was TO FIX IT. That’s it. No blaming. No trying to convince the other person to change.  Only the desire to Fix It.  Without tears.  Without bloodshed.  Without a chocolate mess.

Winning an argument is not only over-rated, it’s downright damaging.  And if you’re in a relationship that matters to you, winning is the worst thing that could happen, to either of you.  Because if one wins, the other one loses,  and over time, that can suck the life and love out of a friendship, a marriage, a family. 

That’s gotsta stop peepo. 

Today.

So, here’s the plan:

This week I’d like you to raise a point of contention with someone you really care about. EXPECT that it may start off ugly. 

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Now, commit these words and phrases to memory and repeat as often as  necessary:

“We disagree but let’s try not to be ‘right‘; instead, let’s try to understand each other and fix this.”

“First things first:  I love (like; respect; adore) you.” 

“Yeah.  I do.  And I hate to see you so upset.  Do you think we could try to do this another way.  Really.  I love you. You love me. Let’s try to fix this while remembering we love each other.”

“I’m someone you love, too. Remember?”

“Yes.      You.        Do.        C’mon….”

“C’mon-nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn….”

“I love you. I love you. I love you” 

Really.

It’s that simple.  If you stay in a place of genuine caring for the other person, and if they truly care for you, they will come around.  It may take some time and practice, because old habits die so freakin’ hard, but if you stand your (peaceful) ground, eventually, they’ll come around.

And then (only then) can you begin to talk about the problem.

Or not.

In fact, consider not saying another word.  Consider it fixed.

But, if more needs to be said, remember, it’s about both parties ‘winning’.

This takes practice, lots of practice, but it works.

And don’t forget, a day without an AFGO, is like a day without lip gloss.  

 

CARPE AFGO!