Why I Suck at it SOMETIMES!

Today didn’t start off quite right.

I woke up with that feeling of not knowing where I was, who I was, or more importantly, WHY THERE WAS A MAN SLEEPING IN MY BED!

Next I heard blood curdling screams from children who were calling out for their mother– who had obviously gone AWOL.

What kind of mother does that?

AND THEN it hit me.

Followed in quick succession with….

I had awoken to a nightmare! 

I just wanted to get back under the covers and hide.

Maybe I could just stay under the covers and hide all day. Maybe all those strange people in my house would go away.

HUH?  How does that make sense?  Let Dad sleep?

Oh yes I would!

So it was that right there under the covers I had a little pity party for myself. You know how it goes…. why me?… I wish I could… why don’t they all… wouldn’t it be nice if… why can’t everything be the way I want it, whenever I want it???

I really am the WORST MOTHER, ever!

And then… I did what I knew I had to do.

I got a grip.

This is my life.  I chose it. I MADE IT just the way it was.

Sometimes I have to remind myself how much I really love it. 

“Kids!  Come to mommy!”

Next on the agenda…

Create a great day today.

I can do that.  I have the power!

Hope you create your best day today!

A Mother By Any Other Name….

I think I have MMPD –Multiple Mother Personality Disorder.  How many of ‘me‘ are there? Let us count them all, shall we?

First of all, there’s Laverne.

Laverne is what Martha Beck, author of The Four Day Win, would call my inner Dictator.  I would best describe Laverne as, well, a bloody dictator! She says things to me like: “Don’t you dare eat that“; “Be nice“; “Make your kids behave for cryin’ out loud“; and my favorite: “What will people say?” I hate Laverne. Laverne must die.  Soon.

Next there’s Shirley. Not her real name. Shirley is my “Wild Child”. She says things to me like: “Go ahead, eat it, you deserve  it, you just walked the dog “; “Let’s go shopping“; “Sure the kids can get a tattoo as long as it says MOM“; and my favorite: “Let’s watch Oprah.” As if having Laverne and Shirley do battle in my head isn’t bad enough, I also have to contend with…

Ruth.

Basically, Ruth is my mother by another name. She’s full of suggestions: “Don’t you think the girls should be taking tap lessons?”; “I really don’t think lime green is a good color choice for closet hangers” and “There’s the hard way and then there’s my way. Why do you always do it the hard way?” By the way, Ruth’s real name is Ruthless.  She’s my inner critic.

Damn! Just call me Sybil.

Would the real ME please stand up.  Wait, who is Me?

Well, according to Martha, the real me is the one who stands back and simply observes without reacting. As The Watcher I don’t have to participate in the battle raging in my head. I can simply sit (or stand) back and notice all the people in there, going blah-blah-bloody-blah, and then I can decide what I want to do. When I’m ready to decide. When I say so. It really is all about Me.

The problem with MMPD is that, to your kids, you look and sound like a freak! When you’re at the mercy of Laverne, you become Dictator Mom. At the whims of Shirley?–hey kids, it’s Wild ‘n Wacky (and not in a good way) Mom. And when Ruth-the-Critic is in your head, and the resentment just keeps on comin’, your kids don’t stand a chance. Who can blame them for tuning out?

So one day, while driving around trying to do the things on The To Do List, I told Shirley to go sit in the back seat and put a sock in it. She didn’t like that much and put on a big pout. But, like I told her, I really didn’t deserve a Big Mac that day.  I deserved something that would nourish and nurture Me.

Why am I talking to the people in my head?

The first big step in trying to Get A Grip is to figure out who You are, not as a mother, but as a person. We start the process by doing nothing other than noticing all the chatter, all the voices in our head–our parents, Miss Roach (my third grade teacher), the make-up lady at Bloomingdale’s who insists I need to wear lash-thickening mascara.  When you slow down and start to get curious about all the thoughts that hi-jack You (as opposed to listening/believing them) then you become The Watcher. That’s when you begin to stand a chance at getting aligned with Your True Self – the one who decides what she’ll Eat, when/if she’ll Pray, who she’ll Love.

Besides, I like my lime green hangers.

Teenagers are aliens from a rogue planet far far away!

Talking to teenagers is like trying to find the edge of a roll of clear tape. It’s practically impossible. At least the tape doesn’t roll its eyes or talk back or eat all of your freshly baked cookies. (That is, if you bake cookies. I don’t. Ever. Oh well.)

In case you didn’t know, teenagers are from a rogue planet called HD209458b, so rogue it doesn’t even have a real name.  That’s pretty rogue.

Think of it this way: teenagers are aliens with acne. Don’t you feel better already? You should, because your teenagers are perfect at being aliens. What a relief!  You no longer have to blame them when they do things that all teenagers do.  That’s like blaming a dog for barking. Dogs bark. They’re perfect barkers. Am I making any sense?

So now you have to learn how to bark, so to speak. In other words, you have to learn how to speak and understand alien. It’s a whole new language requiring advanced-form communication skills.  You have to get through to their cerebral cortex, the thinking-feeling-remembering-having-good-manners etc. part of the brain that takes A VERY LONG TIME to develop. Very long time. Very, very long.

You need a bigger boat, the boat being the metaphor for your skill set. The bigger boat must include bigger and better skills… how-to-talk-to-aliens kinda skills.

As the mother of four children I have had a lot of practice at this. I have learned to speak alien. The coolest thing about it is that it requires very little talking and absolutely no barking!

Here is a a short list (I’m working on the longer, more detailed version-stay tuned) of where to start.

1. Develop your backbone. You need a strong backbone because planet HD209458b-type aliens are experts at testing your backbone.

2. Build your own self confidence first. We spend so much time worrying about how to build confidence in our children we forget that, as parents, we often don’t have any confidence in ourselves. Teenagers know this. This is big. Don’t try to fake it.

3. Accept. Say this over and over to yourself until your kid turns 20: “My teenager is an alien. My teenager is perfect at being a teenager.” This alone will bring you considerable relief. Plus it feels better than blaming your kid for being a teenager.

4. Listen more. Talk less. When you do talk, ask more questions, like: “What do you mean by that?”; “Why do you feel that way”; “How can I help you with that?”; “Might you happen to know where my brand new i-Pad is?”  Then listen to the answers. Hopefully you’ll find your new i-Pad.

5. Listen more. Learn your child’s secret language. “I hate you” really means “I hate how much you love me sometimes.“

6. Talk less. Ask yourself this question before you say anything: “Is what I am about to say an improvement over silence?”

7. Laugh more. Kids, especially teenagers, think their parents are way too serious. Laugh with your children (never at them).  Laughing with your kids strengthens the bond, whether they like it or not.

8. Be willing to suck at it. Pretend you are a child learning to walk. You will fall down. Get right back up. Bake some cookies. Or not. Whatever you do, forgive yourself, and start again. If you don’t do this you will take it out on your kids. Can you say “vicious cycle“?

9 (a). Give yourself time outs. When you screw up, admit it. “Wow, I just screwed up“, said aloud, in front of an alien, is very humbling.  Then send yourself to your room by announcing “I’m sending myself to my room for a time out“.  Aliens love it because it gets you out of the room.

9 (b).  Say I’m sorry. This is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo important (can you tell?) Telling your teen that you are sorry for screwing up and that you did it wrong and that you feel badly about it is one of the most powerful things you can do towards staying connected.

10. Show up. Be the parent. Don’t be a victim. Don’t be a martyr. Be the adult. It’s way more fun anyway.

If you like you can share how your teen is perfect at being a teenager.