The Things I Do For You!

I’m gonna go all rogue here and say something a mother should never admit.

Never!

It’s just bad form.

It goes against the rules of mommyquette.

But, since I am your leader, I shall proceed.

First I need to put on my disguise.

No one must ever know I said this.

Oy… the things I do for you.

Promise you won’t blow my cover?

Wouldn’t want anyone gettin’ all up in my grill for tellin’ it like it is.

Ok, here goes.

Hmmmmmmm?

What’s that?

Louder, you say?

Okayyyy….

Huh?

I’m slurring my words?

Fine.

But please understand this is hard for me to say out loud.

And remember…

…be nice!

Here goes…

See?

I knew it!

I should’ve worn the bigger glasses!

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

You judged me. You really judged me.

And I thought you loved me.

I hope you feel really bad about this.

Because you made an assumption about me.

Aha! I caught you.

I bribe my kids is just another way of saying I use cajoling, rewards, stickers and the occasional junk bond or t bill to get the behavior I demand desire.

It’s all manipulation to me.

We just don’t like to call it that.

It’s the word that got you, right?

I get it.

We often get baited by the words.

And when we fall for the bait, we jump in and start to judge.  Or get angry. Or defend.

Or kick someone in the shins.

In other words, we lose.

Don’t fall for words.

They are just words.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo….

I bet you thought this post was about bribery.

Hahahahahaha. 

I disguised this post about word-bait by using bribery as a disguise.

Me so clever.

Ok, that makes no sense. I’ll give you that.

But do you see what I’m saying my little chicas?

Don’t fall for the word-bait.

And no, I did not tell you what to do.

I told you what not to do.

Besides, I am your leader.

Kinda like the Queen Mother, only I have a bigger crown.

And I let common folk hug me whenever they want.

You still love me. I can tell.

 

TGIF: Thank God I’m Female

The other day I felt that familiar pang I get whenever I hear something irksome bordering on insanity.  My friend and fellow attorney/kife loach Dana Boyle, told me that her doctor said this to her:

God gives all the bad stuff to females because men can’t handle it. 

He meant it as a compliment.

Hmmmm.

I could feel the heat starting to rise inside me…

Put-downs disguised as compliments are fed to women and girls all day long.

Be careful, don’t eat that, it’ll ruin your lovely figure. 

I’m glad you’re not one of those women who cries whenever she’s upset. 

Thank goodness you don’t throw like a girl. 

But I am a girl.

I do throw like a girl.

I also walk, talk, run and cry…

… just like a girl.

I also fight like a girl.

Think like a girl.

Wear lip gloss like a girl.

Sound like a girl.

Giggle like a girl.

Get all sentimental and weepy just like a girl. Because…

I.

Am.

A.

Girl.

God gave girls so many wonderful things.

And this isn’t just some knee-jerk retort to Dana’s doctor.  I believe this with all my heart.  And I want you to believe it too.

Anything else is a lie.

Pass it on girlfriends!

PS: yes, I know, we are women, but we were girls first and being a girl is the best part of being a woman!

‘Anger Hell’ Really Pisses Me Off!!!

Anger is overrated.

Anger is what we do when we’re lazy about our feelings.  When we can’t be bothered to go deeper to figure out what’s really going on inside our heads.

And it’s often not at all about what it seems to be on the surface.

But…

If….

(and it’s a really big if)

…we can catch ourselves before the ‘ROARRRRR’….

And just get curious about what’s really going on… about what’s REALLY buggin’ you…

No. No. No. Don’t fall for that. That’s just a trick your mind is playing on you to save you the effort of digging deeper. Your mind wants to stay angry, because it can’t be bothered to do the heavy lifting required to figure this out.

But if you could just ask….

“What’s going on inside my head?” 

You might just find out something your mind has been working very hard to get you to ignore.  It wants you to look on the outside, to blame someone else, something else.

I know, I know, it’s so much easier to be mad at other people, even if you don’t even remember why you’re mad.  

But if you let it, your mind will keep you in Anger Hell.  Forever. 

And that just blows.

You know, the WORST Mother can get very lazy about what’s going on inside her head.

Because, sometimes, it can look like this…

“What’s all that SH!T doing inside my head??????????????????”… the WORST mother asks, trying really hard to get curious.

“WAIT!”… she says, suddenly full of curiosity. (She’s so good at becoming curious!)

“That looks like the inside of my closet” …she will often say, completely and utterly perplexed.

“And my car”… she adds, scratching her head.

“And my make-up drawer“… she moans, curiosity giving way to frustration.

“And my frig”… she says, raising her voice, as she teeters into a pissed off state.

“And my pantry”…she exclaims with vehemence and exasperation and a whole bunch of other emotions that rhyme with discombobulation.

Ruh. Roh.  

“And my life!!!” 

“$%#@”… she explodes. So much for curiosity. (I said she was good at getting curious… staying there is another matter.)

Bless her heart. She tries. 

But then….. eventually…

Ah-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Some relief.  A letting go.

Surrender.

And suddenly, a voice inside her head breaks through all the clutter and says…

Seize the AFGO… a.k.a. 

Another. Freakin’. Growth. Opportunity.

An opportunity to shift.

To get back to curious.

To get to know yourself.

To grow up.

Seize it, dammit.

Because anger is not a very sophisticated emotion. Especially when it’s used defensively.

And it’s often just a cover up.  A catch-all emotion.  For when you can’t be bothered to get to know yourself.

Or to find out what’s really buggin’ you.

Take the time to FEEL what’s behind the anger.

Because it’s not about the dog.

Or the kids.

Or the husband.

It’s about the sh!t you say to yourself that is not very nice.  

It’s always about you.  It’s about how you hurt you.

Isn’t that perfect? 

Isn’t that such a relief?

Lose the anger.

Make friends with yourself.

Seize the AFGO.

And never settle for anger again.

——

*Today’s post was brought to you by the emotions anger, frustration and all the ones that rhyme with discombobulation. 

 

Today’s class is about sh!t. Sorry.

Have you ever tried to help someone who didn’t want your help?

I mean, they make it seem like they want your help, but they really don’t.

They want your ears. 

I have made this mistake over and over and over and ov…… 

Why? 

Because I think I’m being asked for advice. 

And I give it with reckless abandon. 

The thing about advice is, we tell ourselves we’re giving it because we want to help the other person, but that’s just one big fatass lie.  We are serving ourselves when we give someone else advice. We want to make things better for them so that we don’t have to feel their pain.  Our pain. Any pain. We want everything and everybody to be fine. Fine. FINE!

Why? 

WHY?

WHY?

Because we have a hard time compartmentalizing shit. 

There’s your shit.

There’s what you think about your shit.

There’s other people’s shit. 

Then there are all the thoughts you have about other people’s shit.

Oh, and don’t forget, there’s God’s shit.  He has a right to his own shit, too.  Stop messin’ with God’s shit.  He’s pretty much got his together. 

Sorry my peeps, but it had to be done. 

I gotsta make my point!

How am I doin’?

If you’re still with me, yayyyy!  

For that I am now going to give you some candy advice… (I’ve already given you tons of candy!)

Leave now if you don’t want my advice, otherwise, here goes…

Whenever someone comes to you with their “problems,” try to resist the urge to jump in with your advice on how to solve everything for them.  Instead, notice what happens to you when you start to listen. 

Do you get all wiggly and swirly inside?

AHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See what I mean? 

That wiggly swirly stuff is all about YOU, my friend! It’s all about how you are thinking about what the other person is telling you.  Are you judging? Are you fearful? Do you think they’re crazy?  Do you feel like poking their eyes out?

And what kind of advice are you going to give them when you’re being judgmental, or fearful, or both? 

I’m guessing it’s going to be pretty shitty advice.

Let’s just keep layin’ that shit on. 

On the other hand, if you can listen with an open mind and heart, without judgment, without fear, you might actually be able to help them, just by listening. That’s it.  That’s all.

Why?

Because some people just want you to lend them an ear so they can talk about their shit. The end.  And you have the option of listening, or not.  If you’re going to listen, then clean up your own thinking first.  Go to that place in your head where birds sing and there’s candy everywhere! 

If you can’t do that, then, for your own sake, you need to walk away and repeat the phrase:

“It’s not my shit.”

“It’s not my shit.”

“It’s not my shit.”

Now, take my advice, dammit!

How to REALLY Win an Argument. Without Bloodshed!

So.

The other day….

I had a fight, argument, tiff, altercation, disagreement, point of contention with another kife loach.  It went something like this…

Anonymous Kife Loach:  Oops.  Was it something I said?

Me:     Well, now that you mention it…

AKL:     Can I tell you where I’m coming from?

Me:      Arent’ all men from Mars? Sorry. That was rude. Um, sure, go ahead.

AKL:     Well, my intention was blah blah blah

Me:      Yeah, but, I was thinking blah blah blah

AKL:      Well, not necessarily, because what I meant was blah blah blah

Me:      Oh. Okay.  Well, just so you know, I don’t need to be right here…

AKL:      No, I don’t need to be right…

Me:      I said it first…

AKL:      Fine.

Me:       Double fine.

AKL:       Friends?

Me:        Will you be my newest BFF?  I’ve started a collection.

Honestly, it kinda went like that.  In five minutes we fixed it.  Why?  Because our agenda was TO FIX IT. That’s it. No blaming. No trying to convince the other person to change.  Only the desire to Fix It.  Without tears.  Without bloodshed.  Without a chocolate mess.

Winning an argument is not only over-rated, it’s downright damaging.  And if you’re in a relationship that matters to you, winning is the worst thing that could happen, to either of you.  Because if one wins, the other one loses,  and over time, that can suck the life and love out of a friendship, a marriage, a family. 

That’s gotsta stop peepo. 

Today.

So, here’s the plan:

This week I’d like you to raise a point of contention with someone you really care about. EXPECT that it may start off ugly. 

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Now, commit these words and phrases to memory and repeat as often as  necessary:

“We disagree but let’s try not to be ‘right‘; instead, let’s try to understand each other and fix this.”

“First things first:  I love (like; respect; adore) you.” 

“Yeah.  I do.  And I hate to see you so upset.  Do you think we could try to do this another way.  Really.  I love you. You love me. Let’s try to fix this while remembering we love each other.”

“I’m someone you love, too. Remember?”

“Yes.      You.        Do.        C’mon….”

“C’mon-nnnnnnnnnnnnnnn….”

“I love you. I love you. I love you” 

Really.

It’s that simple.  If you stay in a place of genuine caring for the other person, and if they truly care for you, they will come around.  It may take some time and practice, because old habits die so freakin’ hard, but if you stand your (peaceful) ground, eventually, they’ll come around.

And then (only then) can you begin to talk about the problem.

Or not.

In fact, consider not saying another word.  Consider it fixed.

But, if more needs to be said, remember, it’s about both parties ‘winning’.

This takes practice, lots of practice, but it works.

And don’t forget, a day without an AFGO, is like a day without lip gloss.  

 

CARPE AFGO!

Why I oughta….

I drive a big fat car.

It’s soooooo big that it actually makes my butt look small.  In fact, it makes everything look small. 

 

Some people might even say my car is messy.  And this brings me to…

MY AFGO MOMENT OF THE MONTH…

My car isn’t just a car. I spend a good part of my day life in my car.  It’s my home away from home.  It’s my office on wheels.  It also doubles as…

… a gym (I do modified crunches at every red light);    

… a bank machine (I must have at least a million dollars in coins scattered all over the floor);   

… a spare closet (there’s a complete change of clothes, including socks, underwear, and accessories, for myself and the kids,  just in case; for example, when Thing Four called me yesterday because she forgot her gym shorts and matching earrings, no problemo);  

… a kitchen pantry with crackers, peanut butter, corn chips, salsa, broccoli, and marshmallows;

… a make-up counter (just like the one at Nordstrom’s);  

… and, you probably won’t believe this, but I even have a Crock Pot in my car. It’s the coolest thing ever. . I won’t mind if you copy me.  In the morning, when I drive the kids to school, I throw stuff into the pot, and 6 or 7 hours later, when I pick them up from school, voilà, dinner is ready! 

Am I a genius, or what?

Why then, just as I am basking in my own personal bliss, loving my big fat messy car and everything that’s in it, despite the mess, would anyone feel compelled to give me their opinion of my car?    

On a good day, I just smile. 

Sometimes with great difficulty. 

And on other days, I hate to admit, I have been known to behave rather badly.

These days, however, I am able to recognize when I have been triggered emotionally, and regard it as just ‘Another Freakin’ Growth Opportunity’… a chance for me to check in with myself to see why I’m reacting to someone whose best intention can only be to hijack my good feelings. Because she feels like …. crap.  Why else do mean-spirited people do what they do?  And besides, who am I to judge?

In other words, it’s not my shit. 

What a relief!

*AFGO = Another Freaking Growth Opportunity

Have you had yours lately?