Once upon a time…
I was having a bad day. A very bad day. A really awful very bad horrible yucky day. Are you beginning to get the picture? To make it really clear I am going to show you an un-retouched photo of how I looked that day:
Brace yourself.
Yup. That’s me. And I even had all my make up on!
Have you ever read your children a book called Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, by Judith Viorst? Well, my day was going to be worse than that. I knew it.
And therein lies the problem. As long as I insisted that it was going to be a bad day, you can bet the whole day was going to turn out to be pretty stinkin’ bad. How could it not? Whenever I tell myself something, over and over, the more I look for evidence to prove that I’m right. Sometimes being right is more important than being happy. Right?
But I have an inalienable right to be happy! It says it right there in the Declaration of Independence. (As an attorney I like to refer to big important documents to make a point; in this case, to show how being right does not make one happy. Ok, that made no sense, but don’t give up on me yet, I do have a point to make).
Technically speaking, the Declaration of Independence gives us the right to pursue happiness… it doesn’t entitle us to happiness. This is an important distinction. You have to go out and make your own happiness. Personally I think the document should be amended to say that every American has an obligation, if not an outright duty to pursue happiness. Can you imagine what would happen if everyone believed it was their duty to get happy?
I believe. I believe.
I’ve been reading The Happiness Trap, by Russ Harris. The author says we’re caught in a psychological trap that we set for ourselves; being in constant pursuit of happiness (big house, shiny cars, fancy clothes) is exhausting and makes us very unhappy. Well isn’t that ironic! Don’tcha think? A little too ironic. And I really do think. (Thank you, Alanis Morissette).
What I love about this book is that it’s not telling me to ”think positive” or to “go meditate“. Instead, Harris shows us how to ACT, or rather, use ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) to get out of the trap. This means that at first one starts by recognizing unhelpful thoughts, such as “I’m having a really bad horrible rotten day” and allowing those thoughts to come and go without a struggle, without arguing with what is; If you’re always asking “why does this always have to happen to me?”, you’re going to stay stuck in wanting happiness without ever actually attaining it.
Harris further explains that as well as your physical self and your thinking self, there is also “the observing self”, the one that is capable of keeping an eye on the other two. That, my ladies (and gentlemen–men, I know you’re out there), takes some practice. In essence, when you become the observer, you transcend the thinking mind and thus are able to act in ways that are aligned with your core values. Assuming your core values include living a rich and meaningful life (a.k.a. the pursuit of happiness), and something triggers you, causing your thoughts to head south, the observing self, if present, will be able to turn you back around so you’re heading towards your North Star again.
The operative word is trigger. Some people aren’t even aware they’ve been triggered because old thought habits keep them in a perpetual, low-grade state of discontent. Without observing the thoughts and feelings that follow the trigger, one remains unconscious. Feeling bad becomes a bad habit.
So, back to my almost really-awful-very-bad-horrible-yucky day, this is what I observed: I was talking to a relative on the phone who began to complain to me about another relative. ”Trigger, trigger, trigger, trigger”, shouted my physical body as I felt the familiar tightness in my chest. I then observed a very old thought pattern hijack my brain: “Here we go again. I can’t solve this problem. This isn’t even my problem to solve. Why doesn’t X just do Y so we can all be happy. Dammit this is turning out to be a really horrible bad terrible rotten day.“ This kind of thinking takes me out of my business and puts me in someone else’s. Like I don’t have enough of my own business to take care of!
Once we realize that the thing, the situation, or the person who triggers us isn’t what’s horrible but rather it’s our thinking that is horrible, we are set free. Free to think whatever we want.
Some thoughts I’d like to suggest:
I am responsible for my own happiness.
“Everybody” is not the boss of me, I am. Yay!
Chocolate is the new chicken.
