My Year of Blogging Dangerously

I am celebrating my first anniversary as a blogger. 

Let’s hear it for me!  

This is so embarrassing.  

One year ago, on a whim, I decided that, even though it may not be what was expected of me as a respectable woman, lawyer, mom, wife, lip gloss aficionado, and kife loach (!), I came out as The WORST Mother.

Here’s an excerpt from my recent appearance on 60 Minutes, being interviewed by Morley Safer for my outstanding contribution to the World of Blogging.

Morley:  What’s with The WORST Mother and whose family tree did she fall out of?

Me:   Shut up Morley. Go away. You stink.

Morley:   Seriously. Is she you? 

Me:  She’s definitely part of me.  But mostly she’s a stick figure who knows some serious (bleep).

Morley: Why is her hair like that? 

Me:   Why is your hair like that?

Morley: Democrat or Republican? 

Me:  Boxers or Briefs?

Morley: I’ll ask the questions around here.    

Me:  That was not a question.

Morley:  What’s your favorite lip gloss color?

Me:  I want a lawyer.

Morley: Team Edward or Team Jacob? 

Me:  I did not have sex with those boys.

Morley: Can I have a bite of your peanut butter cup? 

Me:  No.

Morley: Do you think Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will ever get married? 

Me:  Who?

THE END 

And so, without further ado, I bring you The WORST Mother’s Top Ten Favorite Posts in Her Year of Blogging Dangerously. 

10.  I went incognito in this post. See if you can spot me.

 9.  I think everyone should write her own 10 Commandments.  One day I wrote seven.    Workin’ on three more.

8.  This post is about me begging people to like me.  Oy.

 7.  In this one I write more rules.  These rules are intended to make motherhood NOT suck.

 6.  I wrote this one to celebrate my birthday.  Because it’s all about me.

 5.  One day I was desperately looking for some ‘me’ time. Because, repeat after me, it’s all about me.

 4.  Oh, remember the day I went on a spree to kill Everyone?  Double ‘oy’.

 3.  I love this post because it got featured on Freshly Pressed on WordPress. I got 4000 hits in two days. It made me cry with excitement and glee. (Sorry for just bragging a little).

 2.  This one is of me doing the do be do be do. Warning: I’m behaving badly in parts of this one.

 1.  And my Number One Pick for My Year of Blogging Dangerously is: The post you’re reading right now.  Aw, c’mon, I can’t pick my favorite blog post! That’s like asking which one of my kids is my favorite!

Thank you for reading my blog.

I am honored.

What a crazy ride it’s been.

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Fine Print:

The WORST Club is meeting on Tuesday, September 6th at 1 pm Eastern, 10 am Pacific.

JumpSTART to 2012 is a program I’m launching to help get you in the best shape of your life BEFORE the new year–no more diet resolutions!!!  Check it out here.  It’s based on Brooke Castillo fabulous book, If I Am So Smart Why Can’t I Lose Weight?  If you’re new to coaching, this is a great into to it. C’mon girlies… it only hurts when you don’t laugh!

self-flagellation with a cheese danish

I learned about The Cheese Danish when I moved to the United States.  

It’s not like they didn’t have cheese danish in Canada, but they certainly didn’t have The Cheese Danish.

And when I say there was cheese everywhere, I really mean….

everywhere! 

I was introduced to The Cheese Danish by my brand new American friend who thought, being from Canada, I had only ever eaten mutton and walrus. 

She thought I should experience some real food. 

I now believe she was a cheese danish dealer, worse than a drug dealer, because I not only got addicted, I soon found myself selling my soul for TCD.  And even a couple of my kids. 

It was not pretty.  

To battle my TCD addiction I resorted to self-flagellation, followed by another TCD and a diet coke chaser to make myself feel better.  

That lasted all of 12-and-a-half minutes. 

So one day, just for shits and giggles, I decided to investigate the nutritional value of my beloved TCD. 

THAT freaked me out. 

I tried everything to kick the TCD habit: Hypnosis; sleight of hand; TCD Addicts Anonymous;… I even contemplated murdering my friend-slash-pusher.  

The problem, eating too many TCDs, which I tried to blame on everything and everyone else (moving away from my family, my new baby, my tennis serve) wasn’t so much a problem as it was a solution.  

Ding ding ding.  The Cheese Danish wasn’t the problem.  It was my crazy-ass solution for missing home (especially my mom), being stressed as a mom, and not winning 6-0,6-0 every time I played tennis!!!  

Somehow I was using TCD to solve my problems.  

What kind of grown up, smart (ridiculously smart am I), has-it-all-woman!, resorts to eating an inanimate object as a means for problem-solving? 

A woman who doesn’t know any better.  So much for being smart! 

This required a different kind of smart.  

This required emotional intelligence, the only kind of intelligence that matters. Really. If you don’t believe me I’m going to have to sock you one. Let me know.    

Emotional intelligence, according to scientist and author Daniel Goleman, requires self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.

For example, in a marriage relationship, emotional intelligence is the ability to really listen to your spouse as well as be able to communicate your needs, wants, and desires, in a calm but assertive way.

Self awareness is the ability to recognize what’s really going on when you suddenly find yourself with cheese danish crumbs on your face and you pretend to not know how they got there.  You stop blaming your external circumstances (marriage, kids, job, dog) and own up to the fact that The Cheese Danish is on your face because you put it there.  

And that the cheese danish has no power over you. 

The cheese danish is just a combination of ingredients that come together and taste delicious and amazing and make you feel all warm and gooey and… 

Slap…. 

Snap out of it. 

A cheese danish is just a thing. It doesn’t do anything. 

Unless of course you call “tasting good” something TCD does. On purpose. To you. (Yes, I’ve had to slap myself many times.)

The truth is, when we pretend to not have any power over food, people, a tennis serve… we are basically just giving up. Handing our power over to something else or someone else.  

Repeat after me my peeps…. 

That sh!t’s gotta stop. 

LOUDER! 

That sh!t ‘s gotta stop. 

I can”t heeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrre you!!!!!!!

That sh!t’s gotta stop. 

The thing is.  The shit won’t stop. It can’t stop.

Until you decide to stop it.  Until you hit the STOP button.  Until you choose another way.*

Until then, at least try to do this: by all means eat The Cheese Danish, but stop saying you want to lose weight, or improve your marriage, or get a better job. Because you cannot say you want one thing and then keep not doing the things you need to do to get what you want. 

Make sense?  

Be kind to yourself.  Be honest with yourself. Own it.  

Own TCD, don’t let it own you.

Eat it.

Enjoy it.

Love it.

Taste it.

And don’t complain afterwards about having eaten it. 

That’s just not fair to my buddy, The Cheese Danish. Because, really, it didn’t beg you to eat it.

It didn’t ‘make’ you eat it. 

You chose to eat it. 

And when you really want to stop, you will stop. 

I have faith in you. 

Because YOU are the boss of you.  

Pass it on. 

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*Fine Print: Hey girlies, I have been up to all kinds of trouble. I am just sooooooo bad, as in: amazing. (You know how much I love to brag, right?)

So, here’s what I’m doing– check this out: The Worst Club is goin’ rad. We’re forming a little side-gang to really smarten up!   As in, the good kind of smart. And we’re going to lose weight in the process.  And no, I’m not just talking about weight on your body, I’m talking about the weight in your head. The not-so-smart parts of us that can’t figure out why we’re still eating the damn danish!  Because we don’t want to make another New Year’s Resolution to lose weight.  We want the weight to be gone BEFORE the new year gets here.  Then, we’re going to make a new year’s resolution to show off our kick-ass bodies. It’s called JumpStart to 2012! You in?

Seriously… you have to join in. In four months you will be SMART, in the way that really matters.  Promise.  There is another way my chicas.