where have I been all my life

This is the longest I have gone without posting here. 

I have all kinds of excuses, the biggest one being that I have been sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo busy building my new website.

As if you care.

Who can blame you.  You’ve got your own business to contend with… or should I say busy-ness.

But, I want you to pay attention to me.

You know how I am when I don’t get all the attention I so desperately need/require/demand to sustain my egocentric life.

 

And, let’s not downplay all the things I do for you.  Remember that time I made you my favorite pizza with peanut butter cups (a top-secret recipe that’s been in my family for one whole generation–not even my mother has this recipe).

Careful, it’s HOT.

While you’re chowin’ down let me tell you, you are going to LOVE how I’ve been fixing up the new place.  It’s all freshly painted, and pretty, and it’s absolutely calorie free!  Unlike that pizza you’re eating — that thing is loaded.

Load.

Ed.

And did you not just notice how I got side-tracked, a-gain! 

I am a veritable cuckoo clock these days.  Veritable. And cuckoo.

But I am going to make it up to you big time. 

Epic big. As in, the size-of-a-galaxy big.

When my website is finally finished, I am going to throw a party and you are invited.

We’ll get dressed up.

We’ll talk small.

We’ll have wine, and cheese, and fake crab. I’m even going to throw in some tigers and penguins. In fact, I think I’ll give everyone a new bike. (Hey, this ain’t Oprah).

Don’t worry, Snooki is not invited.  But Angelina says she’s in.  And she’s bringing some guy named Brad Somethingorother. Whatev.

So, my heartfelt apologies for going AWOL.

And, in answer to the heckler at the back of the room…

Noooooooo, “building a new website” is not the excuse I ALWAYS use when I shirk my shit.  Other favorites include, but are not limited to:

I’m too tirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrred. 

or….

I can’t. 

And, my personal favorite:

I just had a baby 14 years ago, dammit. What more do you want from me?

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Fine Print:

Since you’re dying to know, I shall give you an itemized account of my oh-so-exciting life these past few weeks and months…

1.  Brooke Castillo hired me to help her out over at the Life Coach School.  It’s one of the best jobs I’ve ever had.  I get to help her coach the coaches in her program and she gets to make me do stuff that I love to do.  She is a brutal boss. Very scary. Very intense. All the rumors about her are true.  I love that about her. I am learning how to be brutal and scary and intense… it’s so much fun!

2. Sitting around doin’ nothin’.

3. Launched my JumpStart to 2012 program.  You should join. Brooke taught me (almost) everything I know.  I could kick her ass at coaching.  Ok, I admit, that was a complete and utter exaggeration, but I am pretty good.  Because Brooke has kicked my ass into goodness.

4. Okay, enough about Brooke.

5. Martha Beck has asked me (and some of her Master Coaches) to make an appearance at IKEA in Detroit, at an event sponsored by O Magazine.  I’ll be showing off my Ninja-style life-coaching skills. I love showing off.  Details to follow.

That’s all I got.

Fine, here’s a picture of Brooke.

Wanna sneak peak at the new joint?

Yes?  Go HERE.

No?   Then go HERE.  (yes, it’s a trick, hahahahahahahahahahaha)

I Speak Horse

I spent last week in California learning to speak horse.

Yes.  Horse.  As in– Secretariat, Black Beauty, Barbaro, My Little Pony.

I figured it would be fairly simple, since I had already studied several languages. And I was quite certain I wouldn’t have to learn how to conjugate any verbs, especially the much dreaded past-perfect subjunctive, which is a real bugger to learn, unlike the pluperfect subjunctive,  or le plus-que-parfait du subjonctif (as it’s called in French), a compound tense that used to make me giggle with glee.

Okay, so I just pulled a Pinocchio.

The truth is I hated the plus-que-parfait du subjonctif.  It gave me hives, stunted my growth, and became the root cause of my peanut butter cup addiction.

However….

There are no verbs to conjugate when you speak horse. Hence, it is nonverbal communication.

Get it?

Ahem….

So then, how exactly do you talk to a horse?

It’s all about energy, baby.  It’s about establishing trust and leadership by first clearing your head and heart of any crappy energy that’s accumulated inside of you.  While the mere mortals in your life may choose to deal with, and/or learn to tolerate your low (read: negative) energy, horses will staunchly put their hooves down when in the presence of shitty energy.  If a horse doesn’t respond to you, you pretty much know you’ve got some inner work to do.

You can see this play out on the OWN Network‘s  Finding Sarah.  It’s about the  former Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, trying to get her life back on track.  In a recent episode, Sarah was coached by the greatest life coach ever to walk upright on this planet, Martha Beck, and the amazing horse whisperer, Koelle Simpson. Martha and Koelle were trying to teach Fergie how to align herself and her leadership energy in order to get the horse to join up with her.  The process is designed to heal both the human and the horse.

However, since horses are highly sensitive to the energy vibes around them, you simply cannot fake your way into getting a horse to trust you.  A horse knows when you’re faking. Trust me.

That’s why, try as she did, Sarah had a hard time communicating to the horse what she wanted it to do. As a result the horse kept switching directions. The more flustered Sarah became, the more unpredictably the horse behaved.  It wasn’t until Sarah dropped all the negative thoughts and emotions swirling through her head (as evidenced by her body language), that she was able to lead the horse.

And so it was with me, when I got into the pen/ring/stall/corral/bedroom with a horse. I had no clue what I was doing, and neither Martha nor Koelle offered up any advice. They just wanted to see if I had any horse sense at all.

I thought I did fairly well.

Wayyyyyyyyyyy better than Fergie.

Ok, so my energy needed a little tweaking.

Eventually Martha and Koelle explained how one’s energy can move mountains, let alone horses, if we’d just give it a chance.

Kinda like how Lao Tzu says to do without doing.

Kinda like how we ought to be parenting our kids. Or bossing our employees.

Or spousing our spouses.

If things aren’t going right for you in your life, it’s not because of what They are doing, it’s because your energy is out of whack, Jack.

Let me put it to you this way:

If your child, or spouse, were a horse, and you were lazing around in your negative energy, this is what he or she would say to you, nonverbally of course, because horses don’t conjugate verbs. Silly.

We always tend to want to blame other people’s behavior for our own misery.  Just like we might want to blame the horse for not co-operating.

Neigh. Neigh. Neigh.

The moral of the story is this: learning to speak another language can be difficult at times depending on the language because some languages do a lot of verb conjugation which really really sucks believe me I’ve studied a few languages in my day and arghhhhh it can drive you crazy but if you ever try to speak horse you’ll find it’s not like that at all because it’s nonverbal hence there are no verbs to conugate and all you have to do basically is feel the love baby feel the love and because from that place it’s all perfect energy and the horse will follow you everwhere it’s really cool no shit  you should try it.

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Mayday! Mayday! Next meeting of The Worst Club is set for next Tuesday, August 2nd, 1 pm Eastern.  You should come. Or the Ninja-bots will stalk you forever. Not a good thing.