My Year of Blogging Dangerously

I am celebrating my first anniversary as a blogger. 

Let’s hear it for me!  

This is so embarrassing.  

One year ago, on a whim, I decided that, even though it may not be what was expected of me as a respectable woman, lawyer, mom, wife, lip gloss aficionado, and kife loach (!), I came out as The WORST Mother.

Here’s an excerpt from my recent appearance on 60 Minutes, being interviewed by Morley Safer for my outstanding contribution to the World of Blogging.

Morley:  What’s with The WORST Mother and whose family tree did she fall out of?

Me:   Shut up Morley. Go away. You stink.

Morley:   Seriously. Is she you? 

Me:  She’s definitely part of me.  But mostly she’s a stick figure who knows some serious (bleep).

Morley: Why is her hair like that? 

Me:   Why is your hair like that?

Morley: Democrat or Republican? 

Me:  Boxers or Briefs?

Morley: I’ll ask the questions around here.    

Me:  That was not a question.

Morley:  What’s your favorite lip gloss color?

Me:  I want a lawyer.

Morley: Team Edward or Team Jacob? 

Me:  I did not have sex with those boys.

Morley: Can I have a bite of your peanut butter cup? 

Me:  No.

Morley: Do you think Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will ever get married? 

Me:  Who?

THE END 

And so, without further ado, I bring you The WORST Mother’s Top Ten Favorite Posts in Her Year of Blogging Dangerously. 

10.  I went incognito in this post. See if you can spot me.

 9.  I think everyone should write her own 10 Commandments.  One day I wrote seven.    Workin’ on three more.

8.  This post is about me begging people to like me.  Oy.

 7.  In this one I write more rules.  These rules are intended to make motherhood NOT suck.

 6.  I wrote this one to celebrate my birthday.  Because it’s all about me.

 5.  One day I was desperately looking for some ‘me’ time. Because, repeat after me, it’s all about me.

 4.  Oh, remember the day I went on a spree to kill Everyone?  Double ‘oy’.

 3.  I love this post because it got featured on Freshly Pressed on WordPress. I got 4000 hits in two days. It made me cry with excitement and glee. (Sorry for just bragging a little).

 2.  This one is of me doing the do be do be do. Warning: I’m behaving badly in parts of this one.

 1.  And my Number One Pick for My Year of Blogging Dangerously is: The post you’re reading right now.  Aw, c’mon, I can’t pick my favorite blog post! That’s like asking which one of my kids is my favorite!

Thank you for reading my blog.

I am honored.

What a crazy ride it’s been.

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Fine Print:

The WORST Club is meeting on Tuesday, September 6th at 1 pm Eastern, 10 am Pacific.

JumpSTART to 2012 is a program I’m launching to help get you in the best shape of your life BEFORE the new year–no more diet resolutions!!!  Check it out here.  It’s based on Brooke Castillo fabulous book, If I Am So Smart Why Can’t I Lose Weight?  If you’re new to coaching, this is a great into to it. C’mon girlies… it only hurts when you don’t laugh!

I Have Invented A New Language Called Talk-Texting

Raise your hand if you thought a cell phone was meant to be used as a phone; that is, to talk, as in, to have an actual conversation with someone; i.e., to communicate or exchange ideas, information, etc., by speaking, which means to utter words or articulate sounds with the ordinary voice.

If your hand is in the air right now, all I can say is: you must be old. Really old. As in, T-Rex.

It turns out that the number one use for cell phones is to check the time.

What the…?

That’s like saying the number one use for blow torches is to make crème brulée.

And the number two use for cell phones?  Did you say ‘talking’? Wrong answer, but that would make sense, wouldn’t it?

No, the second major use for cell phones is texting.

The Following Is An Attempted Intelligent Conversation Between A Teenager and A Mother

Teenager:  Mom, I need a cell phone.

Mom: Why?  Who do you have to call?

Teenager: Nobody.

Mom: Ok, I’ll bite. Then why do you need a cell phone?

Teenager: To check the time and send text messages. Duh! Why else would I need a cell phone? What is wrong with you? You’re such a dinosaur.

Did that conversation hurt your prefrontal cortex as much as it did mine?

Ouch.

What is wrong with me?

Hmmmm. Let’s see. I use a car to drive. I use an oven to bake. I use a toothbrush to brush my teeth. I use my lips, tongue, teeth, larynx and vocal cords to speak.  AND I use my cell phone for talking.

If that makes me a dinosaur, then so be it.

NO! I take that back. I don’t want to be a dinosaur. I want to be young and hip and cool, like my teenagers. Only without the attitude, the laziness and the zits.

And I want to save talking (and myself!) from extinction.

And so began my global campaign to raise awareness of the importance of talking over texting.

I quickly saw the irony in carrying a sign to deliver my message.

But I never saw the egg coming.

Apparently I was the ONLY person on the entire planet who wasn’t texting. This FACT was brought to my attention by Numbers One, Two, Three and Four.

Boy, did I have egg on my face.

See bandwagon. Hop on.

I decided to take texting lessons. From the best of the best.

I really didn’t know the answer.  But my kids thought I was brilliant.

I slowly began to get the hang of it. So this is why humans have opposable thumbs!

Still, I had so much to say and my thumbs could hardly keep up. Besides, they were taking a beating. I started to get unsightly calluses.

That’s when I had this most amazing thought.

This would be the best of all possible worlds.

Talking in text was even faster than both regular old talking AND texting.  So, for example, when the doctor called me on my cell phone the other day, this is what I said, in my new talk-texting language…

Apparently she hadn’t yet jumped on the bandwagon (either that or my newly invented talk-texting went right over her head), so I had to give her the literal translation, which was so time-consuming.

She was speechless, which I took to mean she was texting me the results.  Clearly my invention was catching on fast.

Soon I had invented a whole new talk-texting language.

I gave classes for parents everywhere. NO TEENS ALLOWED.

 

And that is how I invented talk-texting!

More lessons coming soon. Be sure to sign up!

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