Parenting Styles Quiz

Ever wonder how your parenting style affects your children?

Today’s lesson is on parenting styles and how they affect children.

Technically speaking, i.e. according to parenting expert Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It, there are three different types of parenting styles:

BRICKWALL, BACKBONE,  and JELLYFISH.

The author hasn’t met me yet.

Ms. Coloroso applies her parenting models to all sorts of situations parents encounter from toilet training to getting your kids out of jail.

To determine what type of parent you are, read the definitions (mine) of each of the parenting styles, below, and answer the multiple choice questions which follow….

A brickwall parent is a great big pain in the Ashtabula Star Beacon.  S/he doesn’t have time to parent and therefore rules with an iron fist.  A kid with brickwall parents grows up to be:

a) mean and grumpy

b) the leader of a Third World country

c) Robin Williams

d) a braille translator

Jellyfish parents are spineless and whiny.  They provide very little structure, are permissive and, pretty much afraid of their own children.  A child of jellyfish parents grows up to be:

a) spineless and whiny

b) a follower

c) Robin (as in ‘Batman and…’)

d) an odor tester (ewwww).

Next we have backbone parents. This type of parent provides healthy boundaries, a stable home base, freedom to grow, and little if any electronics.  Backbone parents are excellent listeners. They ask questions. They also make time for laughter and play, as long as it doesn’t involve electronics. Kids with backbone parents develop a strong moral center. They grow up to be:

a) resilient

b) dedicated to the pursuit of happiness

c) Lady Gaga

d) not very good with electronics.

Finally there’s the Tasmanian Mama, as depicted above in a self-portrait of the artist as a crazy lady. This type of parent (of which there is only one, hence she is the worst!) vacillates between all three parenting styles, depending on the mood in which she is swinging at any moment in time/space reality. (Be afraid for her children for they know not what to expect. Ever.)

Children of the Tasmanian Mama grow up to:

a) also have multiple personalities and wild mood swings which can sometimes cause Mercury to become stuck in retrograde.

b) defy Myers-Briggs testing methodologies, even when the tester is Michele Woodward (who, by the way, is in denial about not being Superwoman).

c) have no artistic talent even when they are certain they do

d) feel lucky to have made it to ‘grown up’.

Hand in your answers promptly and I’ll grade them when I’m in a better mood. Please be advised that I’d like your responses to be neat, well thought out, and if you like you can include your own artwork, but make sure you color inside the lines and whatever you do, do NOT copy mine.

Teenagers are aliens from a rogue planet far far away!

Talking to teenagers is like trying to find the edge of a roll of clear tape. It’s practically impossible. At least the tape doesn’t roll its eyes or talk back or eat all of your freshly baked cookies. (That is, if you bake cookies. I don’t. Ever. Oh well.)

In case you didn’t know, teenagers are from a rogue planet called HD209458b, so rogue it doesn’t even have a real name.  That’s pretty rogue.

Think of it this way: teenagers are aliens with acne. Don’t you feel better already? You should, because your teenagers are perfect at being aliens. What a relief!  You no longer have to blame them when they do things that all teenagers do.  That’s like blaming a dog for barking. Dogs bark. They’re perfect barkers. Am I making any sense?

So now you have to learn how to bark, so to speak. In other words, you have to learn how to speak and understand alien. It’s a whole new language requiring advanced-form communication skills.  You have to get through to their cerebral cortex, the thinking-feeling-remembering-having-good-manners etc. part of the brain that takes A VERY LONG TIME to develop. Very long time. Very, very long.

You need a bigger boat, the boat being the metaphor for your skill set. The bigger boat must include bigger and better skills… how-to-talk-to-aliens kinda skills.

As the mother of four children I have had a lot of practice at this. I have learned to speak alien. The coolest thing about it is that it requires very little talking and absolutely no barking!

Here is a a short list (I’m working on the longer, more detailed version-stay tuned) of where to start.

1. Develop your backbone. You need a strong backbone because planet HD209458b-type aliens are experts at testing your backbone.

2. Build your own self confidence first. We spend so much time worrying about how to build confidence in our children we forget that, as parents, we often don’t have any confidence in ourselves. Teenagers know this. This is big. Don’t try to fake it.

3. Accept. Say this over and over to yourself until your kid turns 20: “My teenager is an alien. My teenager is perfect at being a teenager.” This alone will bring you considerable relief. Plus it feels better than blaming your kid for being a teenager.

4. Listen more. Talk less. When you do talk, ask more questions, like: “What do you mean by that?”; “Why do you feel that way”; “How can I help you with that?”; “Might you happen to know where my brand new i-Pad is?”  Then listen to the answers. Hopefully you’ll find your new i-Pad.

5. Listen more. Learn your child’s secret language. “I hate you” really means “I hate how much you love me sometimes.“

6. Talk less. Ask yourself this question before you say anything: “Is what I am about to say an improvement over silence?”

7. Laugh more. Kids, especially teenagers, think their parents are way too serious. Laugh with your children (never at them).  Laughing with your kids strengthens the bond, whether they like it or not.

8. Be willing to suck at it. Pretend you are a child learning to walk. You will fall down. Get right back up. Bake some cookies. Or not. Whatever you do, forgive yourself, and start again. If you don’t do this you will take it out on your kids. Can you say “vicious cycle“?

9 (a). Give yourself time outs. When you screw up, admit it. “Wow, I just screwed up“, said aloud, in front of an alien, is very humbling.  Then send yourself to your room by announcing “I’m sending myself to my room for a time out“.  Aliens love it because it gets you out of the room.

9 (b).  Say I’m sorry. This is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo important (can you tell?) Telling your teen that you are sorry for screwing up and that you did it wrong and that you feel badly about it is one of the most powerful things you can do towards staying connected.

10. Show up. Be the parent. Don’t be a victim. Don’t be a martyr. Be the adult. It’s way more fun anyway.

If you like you can share how your teen is perfect at being a teenager.